Extremely hard times right now

Updated: We found out we were pregnant at the end of Oct. but sadly after some blood work a few weeks later I was miscarrying again. I had an exam prior to that and everything looked great and my doctor thought I was around 8-weeks. So yeah that's 3 miscarriages since January. I had not realized that I did not write about this one as well. 



Well here I am again, I know it's been a long time since I have written here but here I am. Maybe I should not be writing right now because I know it's going to be written with such raw emotion. And I'm sure there will be many typos and grammar mistakes but bare with me, please. 

In January of this year we found out we were pregnant. We weren't even trying, we weren't preventing but we weren't trying either. We just figured it wasn't going to happen. We had originally started trying after Alexis turned one but nothing every happened so we figured it wasn't happening. Well to our surprise in January we found out we were pregnant. After almost 3 years of "not trying" but "not preventing." On February 8th I went to have an ultrasound done and there was a baby -I saw it, I saw the nurse measure it but he or she had no heartbeat. We were devastated. I do not think people can begin to understand that have never been where we have. And it's not just "losing the baby" it's the fact that it takes us SO long to get pregnant in the first place. That makes it twice as hard to handle. We aren't the average couple that easily can get pregnant. When we actually do get pregnant it's a miracle in its self. And now with my age, well it makes it even harder to get pregnant. So yeah when we finally do get pregnant we think "this is our chance, finally" and to have it taken away from us -well it's devastating. It took us SIX YEARS and the loss of a baby (2003) to even get Jaden. And then another almost FOUR years to get Alexis. Some people have made comments about my age, well let me tell you, if it didn't take my husband and I so long to get pregnant in the first place we probably would be done having kids by now. Anyway I won't even begin to go through all of what I went through with losing this baby but it was very painful physically and mentally. I miscarried naturally and I can tell you that it was by far very painful. I remember the day we found out that the baby had no heartbeat, we came home and Kelly had to go pick up our new Jeep (that we bought for extra room for the baby) and I had to go get Jaden at the bus stop, there I was standing at the bus stop crying my eyes out and the mis carriage had begun. The total process took over 4 days. Anyway a  full month to me was nothing more than a blur. I felt very mad that the opportunity was given to me and it was taken away so quickly. Why even give it to me in the first place if it was going to just be taken away? I don't get it, and I NEVER will. I was mad at the world, I was mad at God, and I just was not understanding why. I mean every day we see people abuse their kids, kill their kids, not take proper care of their kids or even themselves while pregnant but they continue to have children. Sorry, this doesn't sound fair to me. So here I am again: mad at the world, mad at God and not understanding. Why you ask? Well let me tell you:

Pictures removed. 

Honestly too painful for me to see anymore. :-(

I found out Friday of this past weekend that I was pregnant again. This was crazy good to me because in April we were on Clomid (a fertility drug) and we did not get pregnant. I decided not to take it in May for money reason and decided to just go on a hunch and not go for "extra" help. I ended up pregnant in May and we really didn't try, honestly we didn't. I thought this was my reward for all I've been through. You see this baby would have been due around Valentines day next year. Let's roll backwards a second: The first baby we lost was extremely difficult on us and that baby would have been due also around Valentines day. (Valentines Day 2004) And we also found out we were pregnant with that baby in June (June 2003) And then this past February that we lost the baby -well Valentines Day was horrible for me, just horrible so you can probably see why I felt like this was my "reward" for all I've gone through. After all don't they say that God makes up for all you've been through? Well I'm really starting to not believe those sorts of statements any longer. Anyway let me pick up where I left off. So this past weekend I found out I was pregnant. I tested 4 times and ALL were positive. And no I'm not crazy and seeing things that aren't there, I've had people, including my own husband see the tests and all said they were very much positive. Well the one test had me a bit scared because it was so faint so we went to the store and I got a digital one and brought it home and took it. It said "Not Pregnant."  Seriously? So I took another test (all "other" tests were First Response tests & if you didn't know, First Response hpt's are VERY sensitive/good tests, so they can pick up HCG even in low dosages.) and it was barely even a positive. (it was more like a shadow) Again...can I say "seriously?" So of course you can imagine my confusion and shock. (For anyone wondering: Yes I was late -in fact I was and still am almost a week late) 

I still prayed, I begged, I did everything right, in fact: As soon as I found out that I was "pregnant" on Friday, Saturday morning we went to the store and bought my pre-natal vitamins, and other things for my pre-natal care. But the end result -STILL no good. 

I called my doctor's office yesterday because of the confusion AND because I was told to do so by my doctor because as soon as I got a positive test she wanted to put me on progesterone because of past miscarriages. But now this other stuff was happening with the 2 negative tests. So.....they sent me for blood work last night and today my results were negative. This is what they call a "CHEMICAL PREGNANCY." This mean that yes an egg got fertilized, and it did implant and started producing HCG but then something happened and it stopped for whatever reason. If you don't quite know what a chemical pregnancy is just look it up on the Internet and it will explain it more and how common it is. A lot of women have them and they never even know it. The only good out come of this is: I'm glad I wasn't further a long and it happened. 

The "ups" and "downs" of this is so frustrating. Why give something to me & then take it away? I don't get it. As I said I'm writing this with such angry and raw emotion that I can't help but say that if you don't know what it's like to go through infertility problems for YEARS and end up pregnant only for it to be taken away from you not one but three times then you won't understand. For some people it's so darn easy for them to get pregnant. For us it is not. And don't tell us to "be happy with the kids you have." We truly are but it's not selfish for us to want more and it's not selfish for us to be upset that this keeps happening to us. If anyone knows how lucky we are to have the kids we have it is us. Because they truly ARE miracles for us and we know this but it's not wrong for us to have wanted one more. What gets me is: After 3 years we gave up and then this January we found out of the blue that we were pregnant? Why get our hopes up like that? That's the worst thing about all of this, all the ups & downs, the highs & lows. It's not fun and it's emotionally exhausting.The one thing that kept me going after the last miscarriage in February was I talked to a friend whom I met online a few years ago, who had been through so much more than me. I saw her strength and I thought to myself "My losses are nothing compared to hers." Her strength gave me strength and to this day I admire her and I thank her for all the understanding she has given me. She gave me strength to get up, quit feeling sorry for myself and try again. But my losses are still just that, they are losses and they still hurt. I can't take that away. And I cannot take away that anger that I feel for what keeps happening. If you want to be there for someone like me do so by listening and not judging. And have some empathy. I cannot hear any religious talk right now, all I can ask each of you reading this is to keep me in your prayers because I am seriously feeling like I'm losing any faith I've ever had. Have so many other people been through so much more than we have? Yes. And I have the most empathy for those people but I can't let it diminish how I feel right now. Don't think badly of my husband and I for our lack of faith right now all you can do is hope that our faith returns, I guess. 

I have to thank those that were there for me in February. You each were helpful. I'm not going to name names, (you know who you are)  there were so many of you that checked on me on a regular basis and never gave up but were patient with me when I needed you to be. And even months later you still checked on me asking me how I was. I thank you for that. Now I know most of you didn't even know about this current situation but you must understand why I kept quiet about it and really didn't tell anyone, it's because of what just happened. We wanted it quiet until an ultrasound was done to confirm a heartbeat and then we would tell people. So if your just now hearing about this -please not feel offended. That's not our intention. Anyway I don't really want to talk about it anymore right now; like I said I'm not a very good person to have as company right now so I ask all of my friends and family to be patient with me and I ask for your understanding but I just need to lay low for awhile and sort through this all emotionally & possibly physically. 

They say that God only gives you what you can handle, well to those that say that I say "I really wish he would quit thinking I am so strong, because I am tired, so tired of being strong." 

Now that I have written all this out I do feel a tad better. As many close to me know, writing is a good thing for me sometimes. I do not write this to have anyone feel sorry for me, I do not want sympathy -maybe just some understanding and some empathy that's it. And most of all your patience. Thanks. 

This is not for everyone to see so please do not forward the link. This is personal and I'm only sharing it with my family & friends.  

A quote by Dr. Phil: 
“The whole point of empathy is to stand in someone else’s shoes and see things through their eyes.”