October
“Fall has always been my favorite season. The time when everything bursts with its last beauty, as if nature had been saving up all year for the grand finale.”
I realized that I haven't blogged for a long time. As many know I often need to "blog" or just "write" & it often makes me feel better. I have had so much going on in the past year that it's amazing that I haven't written before now. I guess I just lost a lot of my ambitions along the way.
Let me just first say that I love Fall. I absolutely just love it!!! I love the smell, the colors, the decorations, and the crisp cool air.
One of the hardest things that happened this year was my biological Father passed away Feb. 27th. It was totally unexpected. I can still remember my Aunt's voice when she called me. My biological father were becoming close again. We would text back and forth almost daily and we always "talked" about getting together. And we kept putting it off. It was such a huge shock and I realized just how quickly our loved ones could be taken from us. After he passed away I was determined to pick my battles with people -only pick the most important ones and leave the less important ones to rest. I was going to try my hardest to make relationships work with loved ones no matter what but some things some things are easier said than done. I have a lot of questions that never got answered with his loss. I have a lot of regrets as well. Those are things that I have to work on each and every single day. I miss him a lot.
With the loss of Finley, my biological dad --I also was determined to keep in touch with my loved ones as much as I could. Even if it was just a text or an email I was determined to try harder. Again, some things are easier said than done. I often get irritated that I am the one always initiating keeping that contact with loved ones. Sometimes I want to give up and be like "that's it they can contact ME" but there again my heart gets the best of me. I've always been about the smallest things in life that mean so much. Sometimes it's not the big things that people do for you but it's the small things that show you they care. But knowing that you too are being thought of is a great feeling. Just saying'
One of the most exciting things that happened to me (to 'us') was in August I became a grandmother. Yes we are GRANDPARENTS!!!! It's a new stage of my life but I now have a granddaughter named Bailey and she is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait for what's yet to come with her. And I'm going to try to be a good grandma to her. My grandmother was a huge part of my life when I was little and I know I can't measure up completely but I will try my hardest.
I've lost people I've loved over the past year or two but I have also gained people that I love and hold dear to me. I have gained two beautiful sister in laws, a new nephew Wyatt, and a niece named Savannah who is just the cutest little girl and I am enjoying getting to know them all. I have grown closer to my sister in law Val over the last few months and I just love her dearly as well as my son's girlfriend Carli. I have always been close with Carli but I've grown closer and closer to her over the last year. She is a great mother to my granddaughter.
Kenny is a hard working father. He works with Kelly now and has been there less than a year but so far he seems to like it. Kenny is always striving to provide the best he can for he and his family. I'm very proud of him, in fact I'm proud of he and Carli both.
This past spring & summer Kelly and I got to do more things without the girls than I think we have ever done in 17 years of marriage. I thank my in-laws (mom & dad Bish) who have watched the girls and spent time with them. And my father in law who has been there and helped us anytime we have needed him. I also got to spend a lot more time with my best friend of 30 + years Cindy and that in itself has meant a lot to me.
Max was sick for awhile over the summer. We think he had Boxer colitis. He seems to be back on track now but he can only eat his special dog food and homemade treats. He can't have anything else or his belly gets upset. He was looking really thin for awhile and we had a lot of issues. It was like one thing turned into another problem. Alexis was my helper each and every day. We had to cook chicken and rice for Max 3x's a day plus all of his medicines. It was a lot of work. But he has gained some weight now and looks a lot better than he did.
This Dec. 2017 will be a year since I had my hysterectomy. As many know I've had "female" problems for years and it was just getting worse. I had a fibroid on my uterus that wasn't going away and I also had an enlarged uterus. The doctor suspected it was adenomyosis of the uterus which it finally was confirmed after the surgery. My uterus was 4x's the normal size. Right after the surgery I noticed how my stomach -well I no longer looked 5 months pregnant! I had 6 weeks of recovery and it wasn't fun.
I'm still having some health issues. Not sure what's going on but I'd just like some answers. I know my stress is high the last few months and even though I've always been an incredibly strong person -for some reason I just can't take as much as I used to. (This will be explained below) I have high blood pressure & I am on medication which is helping tremendously; but for the past few months I have been having very rapid heart rate, heart palpitations, headaches, & blurry vision. So I am currently on a heart event monitor for a month. It's a pain in the you know what! I've also been having a lot of urinary tract issues. So we shall see how it all goes. But in the past 6 months or so I've lost probably 15 lbs. I quit drinking pop almost a year ago and I pretty much just drink water now and occasionally I drink tea /Crystal Light. I do feel a lot better as far as that goes. And for those of you that are major pop drinkers and say you can't do it; yes you can! I used to drink nothing but pop for years and if I can do it; anyone can! I was walking AND working out every single day but I've been slacking lately. But I am determined to get back into it all. I've just been so extremely tired. I thank those that have helped or offered to get me back and forth to doctor appointments and tests. I truly appreciate it.
The girls are doing well. Well, I'll be honest: They are fighting a lot and making life quite hard in our household. But other than that -they are both doing well in school, growing like weeds, and are quite healthy. They each have cell phones now which they have to do chores to keep the "service" on to their phones. This however is a constant fight; so sometimes I have their phones more than they do. If you are family or a close friend and have their numbers or their emails; reach out to them once in awhile I am sure they would like it. (Thanks Aunt Valerie, Kenny, and Carli for always saying HI and checking in on them!) They have spent some time with their grandma and pap Bish and have really enjoyed those times with them. They have went to camp several times and are eager to go back to camp to see the beautiful Fall leaves on the trees. Spending time with their grandparents have done them well with all that's been going on.
Kelly is doing well. He is still working in Pittsburgh for Nelson under Duquense Light Energy. The pay is awesome and so are the health benefits. We are very fortunate! He likes the job but the drive -not so much. He may be up for a huge promotion soon but he's not sure that he is going to take it. That's a whole other story. He and Kenny do side jobs as much as they can and it really helps. In September he went to Florida for hurricane Irma & was there for a little over a week.
I'm hoping the holidays put me in better spirits. But I'm not too confident of that. But in saying that we will be home for the holidays and all are welcome to come visit, eat, stop in,--whatever. If anyone would like to stop for dinner just give me a heads up and maybe you could bring a dish? Or if anyone wants to just stop for deserts and good conversation-you are more than welcome. HOWEVER ....on Thanksgiving we might be doing some Black Friday shopping so we might not be home in the evening. Christmas Day we will be here all day. We have nothing to do Christmas Eve unless we would be invited someplace. Don't hold me to any of this at the moment because I might end up being a hermit and shutting myself in and doing nothing. I'm just hoping my spirits are better within the next month or so.
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As some know I've been quite down in the dumps lately. And I thank those of you who have lended an ear. (Cass, Renee, Carli, Val, Marcia, Joi, Clare, & Cindy....)
Why? Well Kelly, the girls and I feel pretty abandoned by certain family in our lives. I think the biggest thing that I cannot handle in life is someone who lies to me or gets mad at me for having a good memory and flat out calling a person out on their lies. I don't care who it is -I just can't handle lies and hypocritical behavior. And I cannot handle someone who tells me that I'm crazy or something isn't true when it's plain to see. I know I'm going to talk in circles here but so be it. I've spent most of my life standing up for those that I believe in or standing up for what and who I feel is right. I've lost people I loved for being this way but I have always thought this is the way your supposed to be. Yes you have to pick your battles (and I am learning that) but I've always been told to stand up for what I feel is right and the very person that taught me that has also ditched my family and I for pretty much doing just that very thing. For someone to say to me that nothing has changed and I am (those exact words were NOT said but that's my own choice of words) delusional well then I guess Kelly, the girls, many others, and I are all delusional because everyone sees it. I think that is something else that bothers me, I will go to bat for people that I feel are right and those I love but I rarely if ever have people doing the same for me. I have always said "If I've done you wrong by all means talk badly about me but if I've never been anything but good to you, then you do NOT have the right." (What's that saying about a "true friend defends you in your absence?") Anyway I've sat and have done a lot of thinking over the past month or so and it's funny what a difference a year makes. It's ironic how people can change on you & you didn't even do a darn thing to them. Jaden stood in our kitchen one day in front of her Dad and I crying and letting everything out. She told us how she is tired of being used only when certain other people are not around, she told us how hurt she was that her family abandoned her and doesn't bother with her anymore. Soon her hurt turned to anger as she spouted that she was finished. She was absolutely done and couldn't do it anymore. A week or two later Alexis laid in bed and cried because she said she was hurt and just "wanted things back to the way they were." Alexis never lets out her feelings. She never cries over her feelings. But she laid there and cried while I held her. Do I want people to feel bad for them? Nope. I want people to know what I've seen and where I am coming from. It's a parents JOB to protect & comfort their children to the best they can. Are the girls delusional? Am I telling them how to feel? No. They aren't stupid and they are old enough to see and know how things are going. It doesn't take a brain scientist to figure out or see a change in people's patterns. I'm going to put it in black & white because then and only then will most people "get it." I'm not necessarily doing this for anyone reading I'm doing it for myself and if you want to keep reading; please do so but do it at your own risk:
Last year: Calls and asks how school
This year: No calls
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Last year: Calls over & over wanting school pictures
This year: Nothing
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Last summer: Coming around a lot
This summer: Minimal
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Last year: Asks what kids need for school
This year: Nothing
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Last year: Makes REAL efforts towards the kids
This year: Nope. Nothing. Nada.
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^^^^I think an 8 and an 11 year old would see these things on their own and no one needs to point them out. ^^^^
I could go on & on here and I'm not even going to mention the changes that have been noticed towards Kelly & I. We aren't all delusional, we aren't "jealous" or being "childish" we have real feelings and these things & more have been noticed. And other people within the immediate family have also noticed these things.
I for one, hate to be lied to. And when I find out months later that I have been lied to by someone over & over or the "truth was withheld" (which in my book is the same as lying) I just can't handle it. I guess I am just too honest of a person and I wear my heart on my sleeve and I expect honesty back. Does that make ME a bad person? I don't think so. Or at least maybe the way 'I've" viewed life ALL these years is just completely wrong? I feel as though it shows a complete disrespect towards me if I am being lied to or the truth is being withheld. When I spent my time, my energy, and countless hours of complete worry on people who decided I wasn't worth the truth all along & my family and I were only ditched at the end. Yeah I'm upset. Let me rephrase that: "Yeah WE are upset." If I am at your side during the bad times I do not expect to be ditched during the good. Does it hurt? Yes. Does that make me (us) angry? Yes. I do not think anyone realizes that magnitude of how hurt I was. I say "was" because it's getting better now. I think it's getting better because I realized that these people I speak of didn't just lie to me, they didn't just turn on or ditch us -there ARE others they have done it too as well but then I go back to "but I am their daughter." So before anyone thinks I'm being a bitch- stop for one minute and put yourself in my shoes. Some people will say it's the same old song and dance with this situation as years prior. And you're right but does it make me a bad person that I've tried and tried and given chance after chance? No. I think it makes me a forgiving person. When you try as hard as you can to do right by people, put them first before other family and in the end they couldn't do the same for you, well yeah it hurts and it makes you angry. As a parent we hurt when our kids hurt and my heart aches for my kids. My heart ached for my son years ago when he was treated the same way. But for years no one wanted to believe it. I have given chance after chance. People say your not supposed to do something for others to expect something back. Well, I disagree completely. I DO expect something back. I expect loyalty and just to be treated well. I do NOT expect to be talked about behind my back, lied to, or ditched. I don't want money, gifts, or anything like that I just want to be treated the same way as I have treated you.
I went off on a post on my Facebook once about how I feel like the good people do not ever get anywhere. I totally %100 feel this way. I know that I shouldn't but I do. It seems like the good people always get kicked in the teeth one way or another. I told someone one time that I felt like "in this family you have to do everyone wrong and you will get treated better" and yes I totally feel like that. People always say I'm strong. Maybe I am, but sometimes being strong equals being a lone. I just wish more people would stand up for what they believe in and stand against what they do not believe in. Be honest with people -don't let them say things that you know is not true. Telling people only what they want to hear isn't helping anyone. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong?
Just once.....I wish someone would have my back like I have had theirs. I wish everything would quit getting put on me like I'm the bad guy. I'm not. In fact in the past year I have handled situations so much better than I have in the past. There have been times that in my past I would have totally lost in and blown up but I didn't. (And that goes back to me trying to pick my battles) I was calm and tried to explain myself in a nice way. Or I just picked my battle and let it go. I've also just tried to cool off by keeping to myself for a brief period so I didn't blow up. I have pretty much begged my husband to keep quiet and not voice his opinion on things that I know he was right about just to keep the peace. But anymore I ask myself "why?" Why bother? Because, I'm starting to believe that no matter how we do or say anything- the end result will always be the same with certain people because that's how they WANT and NEED to perceive you. It's like that saying "you cut ME but pretended YOU were the one bleeding." It's like they feel better pushing it off on others so their hands are clean. Someone close to me said one day "Seems to me that they have really and I mean really lost touch with reality." And I think that could not be anymore true. I can tell myself or my kids a million times that we did nothing wrong but the hurt and anger still stings. It is what it is.
I can't change. I can't go along with things that I don't agree with and I can't deal with lies and hypocritical actions. I am not perfect by no means but I just can't help who I am. I can't help that I wear my heart on my sleeve and expect others to treat me as I do them. They say life is what we make of it? I don't necessarily believe that because it seems with some people no matter how good you are to them -you will never be good enough. Is that their problem or yours? Theirs of course, .. but it still leaves an empty space in your heart...... especially when it is family.
Peace
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