I know I have needed to write for a while now but just really haven't felt like writing. I know I should write more often; and I do jot down a lot of things in my own journal, the things that I just do not want to forget, you know the little things that happen to make you smile that you never want to forget like for example: I love how every day when Jaden gets off the bus she runs the whole way down the road towards me yelling "MOMMY!" That is one of the sweetest things ever and brings tears to my eyes just writing this. Why? Probably because I know it won't be long before she stops doing that. It's the little things in life like that; that you treasure and hold dear. Or how Alexis always comes in at night and tucks "me" in. Yes, she tucks Mommy in. Now mind you this is AFTER I've already tucked her in numerous times but she always has to come in and tuck me in including tucking the blankets around me neatly and saying "Night sweetie." Yes it's the little things like that. These are things that I am afraid that one day I may forget.
I wrote a reflection on the year 2013 on my Facebook account and it went through the things that I've learned. It mostly concentrated on the "reality" and "strict" things I've learned not the "funny" and "odd" things that I've learned. 2013 was a huge punch in the face for me, truthfully. And I thought that other years were punches in the face? Nah, not like 2013.
Anyway here is what I wrote on FB: (this version has been edited since Facebook)
I’m not sad to see 2013 go because it was truly a tough year for me. It started out good- we found out we were pregnant! And we were finally buying a brand new Jeep, which we have had “newer” vehicles in the past but never “brand” new so yeah that was exciting to us. But I guess they say good and bad go hand and hand because the day we signed the papers for the Jeep I found out that I was mis-carrying the baby. I was further along than the one I had in 2003 so I’m not going into detail but it was an extremely hard next few months. I then ended up just recently having 2 more losses. (Some may be shocked to hear this; sorry but not many people knew this; so don't feel bad for not knowing) So here are a few of the slap in the face things I've been hit with and learned in :2013
#1. I've learned that Children are true miracles. For those that can have children so easily and whom never have lost one –you just have no idea how truly they are miracles of life. I thought I truly knew this statement after my miscarriage in 2003 but I have really learned it in 2013. And for those of you that has children -please spend time with them, do not take them for granted and please put them #1 in your life. Children go through so much in life -just remember to put them #1 and all your choices in life may very well affect them. It's not something that many of us take into account until we are older but it's a lesson I've learned and I'm hoping others can learn it as well.
#2. I've learned that No matter how much you try to do the right things in life –sometimes you are STILL the person that gets walked all over. And sometimes you just have to stop being that person who gets walked all over. So for those out there like me who get walked all over by people remember: Relationships are give and take –not “give and give and give.” So do some re-evaluating in your life. Because it’s really not “you” that’s the problem it’s just that some people are just that darn selfish. Sometimes we are just doing the "right" things for all the "wrong" people, I guess. (some people on here come to mind when I talk about this -so yes I'm talking to you -those whom are just like me and do too much for others and whom get walked on each and almost every time) And if you do some re-evaluating and you find that you might be the "taker" in a relationship or two then maybe it's time you did some "giving" of your own to the person that's been giving to you. One thing that cracks me up is when people say "you don't call me anymore" or "you never text me" Am I the only person that has fingers and a phone? I try to check in with people and say HI but I'm not going to be the one that is always doing it. Relationships are give and take -I cannot stress that enough. Jaden said to me one day "Why do you do (this or that) for (this or that person), because they never do those things for you?" I didn't answer her but it really got me thinking. I know you're supposed to do things for others and not expect anything in return but it would be nice to be thought of & have nice gestures done for us by others as well. I love helping others and I love making others happy but I'm not to proud to say that it's nice having the same done back. It's normal. We wouldn't be human beings if we couldn't admit that.
#3. I've learned that when you are mad at someone think about this: Will what you are mad about today seem so important in 5 or 10 years? Time stops for no one. And "time stops for no one" was a huge slap in the face for me in 2013. Yes we all know that times does not stop so you might be sitting there saying "no kidding girl!" I'm not a fool, I do know this but I got a huge slap of it that made me realize that sometimes we lose track of time by sitting around being mad over "stupid things." Sometimes we all stay mad about stupid petty things & all we are doing is wasting precious time. Yes I’ve looked back years and tried to think about what I was mad about with this or that person and laughed at myself and thought of how dumb it was and how I could have worked it differently. Sorry, I’m not perfect and yes I’ve got a temper. But blame can never be placed all on one person in a situation. Each person has to look within themselves and see what they could have done different. Every single one of us has faults and admitting your faults does not make you less of a person or even weak in fact I think admitting our faults makes us strong and it makes us better people for being able to do it. Reach out to the people you are mad at or who have hurt you. Make that attempt and if they don't reach back -give them time and try again later. If they still do not reach back then there's not much more that you can do. It's in their hands then & so: let it lie there & pray that they come to their senses before too much time has passed.
#4. I've learned that people can be so completely and 100% two faced. Yes, I have always known this too but I TRULY learned this several times in 2013 with several different people and with several different situations. Some situations left me with my jaw hanging open saying “Really?” So I re-evaluated those people in my life and some are no longer in my life and some still are in my life but I just know now that I need to keep them at arm’s length and that’s where they will stay.
#5. I've learned that no matter how much you pray for something, sometimes it's just not going to happen. Yes, my faith has truly been tested in 2013 and I don’t even want to get into it or be “preached” to on this subject because frankly I’ll never understand it. I come from a family of faith and at one time had a lot of faith of my own but it's been truly tested this year so it's something I’m still working on- like it or not. I’ll get through it-- in my own time but that time is not now. Maybe there’s hope in 2014!?
#6. I've learned that “No, life is not fair.” Just look at the Sandy Hook school shooting. Those parents sent their kids to school one morning not realizing the ill fate they would have to deal with in a few hours. I've always known there is evil in the world but that shooting truly opened my eyes. Anyway there's always someone out there that has been or is going through much worse. I have so much empathy and compassion for those people; but with that being said even though there are others out there going through worse it's still okay to feel our own pain and be angry about our own circumstances. The key is to not dwell in it, not to stay in that angry place for too long because there's that "time" factor again, we don't want to waste our days being so angry and hurt for "too" long. How do you get out of that place? I don't know, I'm still trying to figure that out to be honest but I'll get there.
#7. I've learned that no one can pick you up but “you.” You have to dig deep and get up and get moving again after difficulty. Friends and family can be there for you but you cannot expect anyone to do it for you other than the person that looks in the mirror every single day. Many people have told me through the years that I am a strong person, well I must agree that I am but my way of “getting up” over the past year was thinking about the women that have gone through far worse than I have. And those women are the ones that gave me the strength to get up and not stay in my own self-pity party. (and trust me I wanted to stay there!)
#8. I've learned that sometimes you just have to let go of the hurt & anger and reach out to the ones you love. And in doing this I have reconnected with my immediate family. Here’s to looking forward in 2014.
#9. In connection with #8 I've also learned that sometimes others don’t like your choices in life and cannot accept them so you then have to set boundaries and when you do they are gone from your life in a flash. That tells me something very sad about how they truly felt about our relationship. But so be it, I can pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward because I feel I am exactly where I’m supposed to be in life.
#10. I've learned that I have one of the most amazing husbands ever. He is rough around the edges at times but he does a lot more around our house than many husbands. He also tries to do jobs in our home that he has never done but he will “learn” how to do it and most often do an excellent job. He also is a hard worker; he never calls off unless he absolutely has too and always works extra days if asked. And that’s how you make it in life; you have to enjoy life but life isn't free and you have to work hard to get to where you want to be in life. And he does that.
#11.I've learned that no matter how much you look for answers- sometimes you will never have the answers you are looking for.
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As you may have noticed -2013 wasn't that bad for me because I learned an awful lot of lessons; and in case you are wondering yes I've learned many of those lessons in other years but I noticed in 2013 they were truly called to my attention and a major slap in the face. But there were a few good things that happened in 2013 like the reconciliation of my immediate family. This in itself was a huge blessing. I've learned that sometimes the things we were once angry or hurt about (as state in # 3 above) in life we have to stop, breathe, and truly think if it will be 'truly' worth it in let’s say 10 years. And sometimes we have to learn to forgive and forget and sometimes we have to realize that the largest factor in arguments is a “lack of communication.” Many of us just shut down when we are angry and hurt and sometimes that is the worst thing we can do. Shutting down and pushing things (our feelings, our anger, our hurt) under the rug until “later” just prolongs it all. And while all those things are lying under that rug festering time keeps marching by. Time does not stop for anyone. (yep there's that time factor again) And time is one thing we can never ever get back. I've learned that the past cannot be changed but the future can be as long as parties involved all work together. I truly feel that honesty is a huge factor in making any kind of relationship work but I also believe that you have to learn to choose which battles to fight and which battles to just let go. I used to think that if you didn't agree with something someone was doing you couldn't be around them or have a relationship with them. I understand now that is not true. Again we must choose which battles to fight and which battles to let go. Which ones are worth it and which ones are petty? It doesn't make it any easier because I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and my opinions to myself and I have even a harder time understanding why people do the things that they do but I have come to learn “to each their own” and people need to respect this of others. Sometimes we look back and wonder what we could have done differently in situations to make a better outcome. It's like my girls, for example one will push the other and the other falls and hits their head on something and they say "I didn't mean to do it" And I always say "Did you push her?" And I get back "Yes but I didn't mean for her to get hurt." But still the consequences remain because one pushed the other -whether or not they "meant" for them to get hurt is irrelevant. They still played a part in the other getting hurt. Did one intend to make the other hit their head on the furniture? No but they need to look at their actions and what role they played in the other getting hurt. I'm trying desperately to teach them consequences for their actions. (Something else I want to write about in the near future!) I truly think that if more people would look at their own faults instead of everyone else's then maybe there would not be so many "failed" relationships & if there would be more "give & take" in relationships instead of "take, take take" - then again there would not be so many failed relationships or hurt /angry people. I love this quote:
"There are four things you can't recover: The stone...after the throw. The word...after it's said. The occasion...after it's missed. The time...after it's gone. Be loving, kind and forgiving. Attempt to right wrongs and know you tried."
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Ironically this showed up in my email today:
Respect other people's feelings. It may not mean anything to you but it may mean everything to them.
Many times we have friends and family who get offended very easily when we don't give as much care as they do to different life events and circumstances. Sometimes doing the right thing by your friends' means asking them questions about the way that they are feeling when they seem to be acting di...fferently towards you. Sometimes you may have to examine the way you treat them and put yourself in their shoes to really understand how to proceed further in your relationship with them.
You are not always wrong, and you certainly will not always be right in regard to how you may have been handling your dealings with this friend, nonetheless be sure to take time to get down to the core of the problem as much as possible.
A simple 5 minute conversation that we never cared to have may have been the exact remedy for a relationship that what a relationship needed to keep growing stronger.
~~~~~
Moving on:
In 2013 we had many things break and it seemed like every other month something else had broken. It grew frustrating and quite costly but we survived. Somehow we always do. I cannot say that 2013 was that bad because like I said I had re connected with my family, we had income coming in and most of all our children were healthy and happy.
You win some & you lose some…isn't that a quote of some sort? Well I learned that in 2013 too. After reconnecting with my immediate family I had extended family that could not accept my decision to do this and when I put them in their place & stood up for my immediate family they just couldn’t deal with it. So instead of fighting back and forth I cut them all from my life. It may sound extreme but I cannot deal with drama and stress and if someone flat out tells you that they “will not” respect your wishes then what more can you do? That’s their choice to not respect my wishes but then it’s my choice to draw the line and I did just that. Relationships should not come with tags that say "you're only IN if you do what we want and have no backbone." No, that's not me and never will be. So I lost some close family members but I have come to find out they were a jaw dropping slap in the face two faced anyway. Am I surprised? No, not really. But however I do know I'm where I need and should be; if these people do not understand that then that's their loss, not mine. They choose to sit and dwell in hate and resentment and I choose not to. I'm happy where I'm at and the choices I made recently.
I will update on our family; not that I think we are exciting or anything because we live pretty boring lives but here it goes for those who I haven't talked to in awhile.
Let’s start with a Kelly update simply because I always do the kids first so I’ll be different this time around and start with him first. Kelly is doing good and just went through 60 days of P90X he had to quit for a little bit because he has some injuries but he swears he will be back on track again soon. I've seen a huge difference in even his moods since doing the exercising. He also lost 20lbs.
Kelly is still at Asplundh Tree.
ASPLUNDH: (FYI: Pronunciation: “AH - splund”. The final “H” is silent. It is a Swedish family name meaning “grove of aspen trees”.)
He is a T1 Foreman now at the company and has been there about 9 years or more. Now let me stop there and explain because it has come to my knowledge that many just don’t understand what it is that his company does. They are in 52 states and they range in what they do in each state (some are residential and some are utility) Here in our area they are “utility” which means they work for the power companies such as
Duquesne Light, West Penn Power, First Energy, and so on. They are hired to go and cut trees down around power lines so that we do not lose power every time the wind blows. It’s actually a very dangerous job. Some people have heard us speak of “storm work” and what that means is: When a storm comes and there is storm damage they call crews out to go take care of it. This could be on the weekends or at any time of the night –even holidays. Sometimes certain crews can be “on call” to go- meaning they have to be ready to go at a moment's notice, sometimes even with bags packed. A “storm call” can also happen when there isn't necessarily a “storm” but it could just be a fluke that a tree or a branch decided to fall on a power line. The power company goes and checks out the damages and then puts in a call to Kelly’s work. Then they get the call to go out. Many people do not understand that a lot of times that if the power is out - a long side the power companies working is Kelly's company too. Like I said it all depends on "why" the power is out. Kelly has seriously worked 22 hours in one day before due to bad weather. Anyway since October he had been working 50 hours a week but now finally he is back to 40 hours . He is a T1 climber (the highest climber you can be) he also has various other licenses which helps improve his pay rate. Hurricane season is normally their busiest season. He has been to Hurricanes Irene and Sandy. His company also went to Katrina but Kelly was not on those crews that went to Katrina. Kelly's division were called recently to call to Michigan for the ice and snow storms but they missed the call so the Butler division went. He is now an acting foreman with Kenny on his crew.
Speaking of Kenny; he got hired at Asplundh in August and is still there. Kenny is doing well for himself and I have to say that I am proud of him. He never asks us for help and does everything on his own. He lives in Kittanning & has a nice apartment. He turned 21 in December. We went out for his 21st birthday to celebrate with him. We even got a limo to go! :-) Can it really be that I have a 21 year old?
Now on to Miss Jaden our 8 year old little drama queen: She is in 2nd grade and does quite well in school getting all A’s. She used to love school but now well let's just say she isn't crazy about school anymore. We had a birthday party on her actual birthday this year but we kept it small. She was excited to have her cousins and her grandparents here. You see she was so hurt and left down by other family that walked out on her two years ago and she has been bummed ever since so she was so excited that she finally had cousins and grandparents to share in her special day. That’s all she talked about for days. Jaden has a huge heart and she is full of empathy like I am but I've noticed that her heart is hardening a bit and I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or bad thing for her age. If she were much older I’d say most definitely it’s a good thing but for her young age I don’t want her to hold resentment towards people for doing her wrong but I can honestly say that I do not blame her. She gets angry at people for letting her down and she no longer believes the "best" in people like she used to. She used to be so believing in people that we did have stress to her over and over that not everyone is good and not everyone has others' best interest at heart, not everyone was like her. She still gets her feelings hurt easily though. For the last year or two she doesn't want to go anywhere without us. She doesn't want to go to birthday parties, dances at school, nothing. I'm not sure why and I've asked her and she just says she doesn't want to go. She was invited to a bowling birthday party last year and we told her we would take her and drop her off and I'd give her my extra phone that I had in case she needed to call us but she started crying and didn't want to go. So I'm not sure what's up with that but in case you're wondering, no there's nothing wrong at school and all is fine there because I have asked. She and her sister actually went to my parents house and had a sleep-over with their cousins in Dec. They had a lot of fun and it was their first time ever at a sleep over. Jaden's favorite things to do these days are play with her tablet, Barbies, listen to music on her iPod, and make bracelets with her loom. I get a kick out of her when she tells me about a boy that she thinks is “real nice” at school or “cute.” Watching her expressions is priceless. It’s another one of those “little” things that I never want to forget.
Alexis is my crazy goofy 4 year old. She is always making faces, sounds, and trying to make everyone laugh but too often she gets herself into trouble by doing these things. Alexis turned 4 at the end of August. She had a nice party outside (something Jaden is mad about and insists she should have been a summer baby) It’s so much easier having outside parties so we try to make those bigger and we always like to just include a “cook out” with Lexi’s birthday. Anyway Lexi will be having surgery in April for her “bumpy” –some of you probably keep up with her “bumpy” blog so you can check it out there –I will be updating that soon. But basically her bumpy (her deep hemangioma above her eye) is not going away and it swells a lot. We thought she would have had surgery in 2013 but we decided to give it another 6 months to see what happens and sadly it’s not going away on its own. I’m so torn on this –still not knowing what to do. Surgery is scheduled for April, but still.... I’m debating if it’s the right decision or not. But anyway Lexi loves to hang out with the dogs, mostly with Laylah. You can always find her whispering in her ears or rubbing them. She hangs out with Sophie a lot too. Lexi’s favorite things to do are: Playing with her tablet she got for Christmas, playing with anything that has to do with Minnie Mouse, coloring or drawing, or playing Barbies. Her favorite color is still green but she is starting to lean towards PINK. In Jan of last year the girls got their own rooms so all of the girls’ toys are now in their rooms and we pretty much have reclaimed our downstairs. Lexi wanted her room GREEN and trimmed in pink so that’s what we did:
(Don't mind the blurry pictures, I have no clue why they are dirty unless my phone lens is dirty!?)
Jaden got a purple and pink room:
(I've got to find a cute purple or pink rolling desk chair for Jaden yet)
Lexi loves to snuggle and she loves to rub my cheek or hair when she is tired. She sleeps with her Minnie Mouse doll every single night. She is funny, always doing something to make us laugh but she has a temper. I’m hoping it is just a stage but she takes tantrums when the smallest thing is not done like she wants or goes her way. Believe it or not but both my girls –especially Jaden HATE to shop. I took Jaden into Justice before Christmas trying to get her to pick out some things and she acted horribly and could not wait to get out of there. We shall see if she’s like that in a few more years. lol! If Lexi is in a mood you better watch out because she can be a real tyrant. Alexis is a good helper but slacks on her room. I keep saying she is going to grow up to be a hoarder because she saves everything and stuffs it under her bed. Jaden used to be like that too so I'm hoping it's just a stage.
The girls fight continuously I swear. There are days I'm in tears because all they do is fight or "horse" around and they do not listen. I feel like all I do is yell, in fact I KNOW all I do is yell but it seems if I talk quietly they don't hear me whatsoever. Trust me I've tried many different tactics and nothing seems to work. I have since created a new "system" and I'm hoping that it works. They each have their own calendar and if they get so many stars then at the end of the month they get a new app for their tablets. They get stars but doing simple daily chores. Stay tuned on that. They are very jealous of each other when it comes to me. If one is sitting by me the other gets mad and they will get into pushing fights over it. It's crazy. Both of my girls are picky about things. They are picky about food and the biggest thing they are both picky about is toothpaste. Yes you read that right: TOOTHPASTE! They drive me crazy with their picky ways when it comes to toothpaste!
We still have the two guinea pigs (Winnie & Tigger), and 3 dogs. We had a hamster named “Bobby” but he passed away on Thanksgiving. We actually had to go in our back yard in the dark Thanksgiving evening and have a “funeral” for him. The girls are losing interest in them but I still make them take care of them. I refuse to let them (especially Jaden- since she is older) just forget her promises and responsibilities. So I feed them & do their cage in the mornings and every day after school Jaden has to feed them again & do their cage as well. But on the weekends Jaden has to take over and do it twice a day. We use the “fleece” method and we have what is called a C&C cage (Google the fleece method and C&C cages if you want -they are cool!) So all poop gets cleaned out twice a day and then twice a week the entire cage is taken apart and cleaned. And the piggies probably get baths more often than the dogs! :-) We still have Sampson our Senior Boxer –he was just at the Vet last week (he weighed in at a whopping 96lbs!) and he is doing well for his age and condition. We thought we were going to lose him around Thanksgiving but after calling his Vet- we increased his heart medications and has been doing well ever since. For anyone that may be confused: Sam was diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure) in March of 2012. Many dogs don’t make it a week let alone over a year after diagnosed with that. Sophie is our 6 year old Boston terrier. Kelly calls her a “Terror.” Yeah she can have the attitude but she is a good dog. Sophie does not want to leave her bed in this weather. She is always laying in her warm bed or hovered over the heat register. There are days we have to "make" her get up and go outside to go potty or she will hold it all day until early evening and then have to go several times. And then there’s Laylah our youngest –she turned 1 in September and she is our other Boxer. She is black and white and yes she is a full blooded Boxer like Sampson. People don’t understand the colors and do not understand the “black” Boxer but she is a reverse brindle “sealed” Boxer. Kelly saw a "black" boxer one time and told me about it and I looked it up- I was searching for a "black" Boxer not understanding that there really is no such thing as a "black" Boxer (will explain in a bit) Kelly wanted a "black" Boxer and after seeing a few more online I wanted one too. Explanation: In "breeding" terms there is no such thing as a "black" Boxer because they are called "reverse brindle" and if you cannot see their brown stripes then they are "sealed" which basically means "black." Her Mom is all white and her Dad is reverse brindle. They are truly beautiful dogs! I would describe Laylah as just plain ole' crazy! lol! But no she is a good dog and is getting better. Her biggest problem is "jumping" on people but we are still working on it. I cannot wait until the weather gets nicer so I can take her out and do some more training with her. She gave us a scare over the summer where she ate something and they thought she had a bowel obstruction. Ironically, we think she ate the covering that I put on my treadmill cord to protect it from her. So she went to the vet, she spent the day there while they did a dye test & luckily did not have to have surgery because everything passed through, so $500 later everything turned out for her. Then a week or so after that she was outside being her usual nosy self and she got into bees and came to the door like she got into a fight with Mike Tyson. Her entire face, eyes, lips, everything was swollen. I freaked out! I put a call into the Vet and into my friend (the breeder where we got her) and she returned to normal about a day later after lots of Benadryl and me keeping a close eye on her. Yes because of the way she swelled she is more than likely allergic to bees. I guess Boxers are known to have strong reactions to bee stings, etc. All in all she is becoming a really good dog. She is becoming quite the barker lately though and it drives me NUTS. I've been having to fight her even in this cold weather to come in the house because she loves to be outside. The little snot loves to run up to the porch like she is going to come in but then runs back off the porch and goes and play. Like "got ya!" Usually I have to shut the door and talk real loud about "treats" and she comes to the door and waits. One time she even waited at the door but as soon as I opened the door she took off again. (You can stop laughing now!)
I am doing okay. I won’t even get into it all but I’m okay, I'm here. I keep to myself for the most part and I try to keep busy-I really have no choice with the kids, house, and pets. I'm hoping to start working out again and using the treadmill. I was working out every day and doing great until the last miscarriage in Nov. and now I just need to get back on track. I worked out yesterday and I can barely walk today. So yeah I guess I need to get back in the swing of things. I think this will be it for today. I always say that and then I don't write again for another few months but there are some more things on my mind that I do want to come back and write about like Christmas, Windows 8 (yes *yawn* how boring for some of you reading but I want to write my 'reviews' on it since there has been a lot of 'talk' on Windows 8) & I'm sure there will be much more on my mind by the time I write again! I'm out of time for now. It's taken me two days to write this because I have had numerous interruptions; so if you find typos or grammar mistakes -just DEAL with them, I'm tired and I must get myself moving now! :-)
Happy New Year everyone!
I ask that you do not forward the link to this blog to others; I send it to my friends and family I want to share with. Thanks!
